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The PA Olympics

Every year, a group of production assistants put on a worldwide competition known as the “PA OLYMPICS” for those who wish to push their bodies in the quest for glory. Gold, silver, and bronze medals have been given out for those who reach the platform, but every year the competition continues to grow as new events are established. In recent years, drug, alcohol, and steroid testing has been removed in light of a lack of competitors doing drugs, alcohol and taking steroids. Athletes are not represented by their various countries, nor are they divided by their gender preference. Every event will include various production assistants heckling the shit out of the athletes.

Here are the 2023 events:

Sandbag Throw: Each athlete will be measured in meters how far they can toss a 20 lb sandbag. Bonus points if you can wrap it around the leg of a popup.

100 Meter Moho-to-Set Dash Each athlete will be lined up for a 100 meter dash replicating the motorhome to set dash. This event begins when the coordinator says, “run this to set.”

200 Meter Moho-to-Set Dash with Callsheet. Each athlete will be lined up for a 200 meter dash, much like the 100 meter dash, but they will be carrying a callsheet. This event occurs after each athlete has eaten an around-the-world lunch and begins when the manager says, “can you give this to the 1st AD.”

300 Meter Hot Brick Relay Four athletes will be lined up for a 300 meter dash with a hot brick/walkie battery. Each individual will run a portion of the track and then will pass o the hot brick to their teammate until the entire 300 meters is completed. This event begins when the 1st AD says, “Can we get a hot brick for the key grip.”

Teamster Boxing Each athlete will have to fist fight one teamster on the callsheet. One round, no time limit. If the athlete is defeated, they will return to the production truck and tell no one of their defeat. If the athlete wins, they are given 5 days towards the teamster union for every teamster they’ve defeated. If the athlete defeats six teamsters, they’re 399 for life.

Gate Surfing - This event has been canceled due to insurance claims Each athlete will stand on the production truck gate and as it’s raised, tries to balance on the gate as long as possible. Must wear shoes. No pushing. No crying.

Water Bottle Chug Each athlete will be given one water bottle of the same brand and race to finish the entire bottle before their next competitor finishes.

Cone Toss Like horseshoes, two teams of four athletes are given three cones and stand 10 yards apart. The goal is to get all three cones onto a stack of cones at the other end. If the first round fails, the other side gets an opportunity to play. If the other side falls, the game continues until all three cones are stacked. Must use 18 inch cones because who the hell orders those large cones?

50/100 Foot Stinger Wrap Each athlete will be given an extension cord that they need to wrap & tie before the other competitors wrap & tie theirs. Both with 50 & 100 feet cords. This event is judged by the Best Boy electric.

Director Chair Up/Downs Each athlete is given four short director chairs spread 3 meters apart. The event is setting up all four chairs and then breaking down all four chairs before the event is completed.

Coffee Walk Each athlete is given 16 cups of coffee with various names. Each coee is placed in 4 coee carriers without stoppers. Each athlete has to carry all 16 cups from crew parking to a teamster van. Then ride in the teamster van going over 30 mph stopping 5 times. Once the athlete has arrived at set, they have to walk the 16 coffees to video village and pass them out to the various names. Points deduced for spilling coee, forgetting coffee, using the wrong names on the coee, or getting themselves a coffee.

Room Tone Lockup Each athlete is placed on a lawn surrounded by 8 crew members across 50 meters. The event begins when the 2nd AD says, “rolling on room tone,” which the athlete has to silence each of the 8 crew members making various noises to include lawn mowers, dogs, cell phone rings, putting away dolly parts, anything location managers are doing, and airplanes above the set,etc.

Peter Anderson

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