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If Movie Stars Were Crew Positions

If Movie Stars were crew positions, part one...

Sissy Spacek – Wardrobe Stressed, tired, and a martyr: Sissy Spacek does wardrobe. She is the emotionally-charged individual who puts value on costumes above everything else on set. It doesn’t matter if the camera’s batteries need charging, she needs to power the steamer. She has worked in the business for over twenty years, while pleading to anyone that will listen that she needs a vacation.. She’s very talented and stylish, but sometimes looks at you like a cat wanting to murder her owner.

Bradley Cooper – 1st AC

Cocky, arrogant, and good looking: Bradley Cooper would be your assistant camera. The act of pulling focus, changing lens, and placing filters is not lost on his inflated ego. He is the center of attention. He rents his own equipment at an overpriced rate and asks for favors without ever returning them. Though charming, there is a sense of “assholeism” that leads you to be cautious, yet he’s the nicest guy if you’re taking his carts back to the camera house.

Kristen Stewert – Office Production Assistant Creative, unaccountable, and basically useless: Kristen Stewert is your office production assistant. Outside of set, she’s a singer or photographer or director, so she doesn’t consider herself a PA. She went to Coachcella last weekend and wants to show you the instagram reel she made. Even the simplest tasks, she fails at it very slowly, yet continues to get hired. Worse yet, she’ll be promoted next month. Her instagram is @firefly1984, but that’s her personal account. She has two other for you to follow.

Chris Rock – Production Truck Smart, quick, and real: Chris Rock would be your truck production driver. He knows the job, works the job, and leaves the job, then smoke weed at nights to forget the job. Everyone likes him, but he hates everyone, especially the entitled intern who’s family friend owns the company and sits in the cab of the truck. He gets the same breakfast everyday, he’s booked the entire month, and is the guy you want on your next travel job. Never take away his return day.

Whoopi Goldberg – Production Manager Awesome, loyal, and tough: Whoopi Goldberg would be your production manager. She has a confident attitude, great at her job, and will talk shit with the best of them. She only complains when pointless tasks are made a priority and often asks the questions, “In what world do you think you can do this?” She should be producing, but no one has given her a

chance. You want to work for her. You would do anything for her. And she returns the favor, but “get out of here! You’re costing me money!”

Joe Pesci – Teamster Asshole, hot-tempered, feisty: Joe Pesci is driving a van on set. When there is a fight, he either started it or he finishing it. He’s rough and tough and tired of your bullshit. Pay him his money and leave him alone. When you ask for a ride, he “huffs’ in annoyance. Also, don’t talk about the Yankees or equality around him. When you want someone good, he’s great. When you want someone great, he’s the best.

Peter Anderson

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